Things I Might Do If My Wife Died

There is a great scene in the movie ‘This is Forty’ about how we think about our spouses after the years add up.  Watch the first bit…

Now don’t get me wrong….I’m not saying I want my wife to die. Never. Never. In the words of Louis CK, “Of course I don’t want that to happen…….but maybe….”

I confess that I’ve certainly spent some time thinking (is it wrong to say fantasizing) about what life might be like after the tragic event. Here are a few options I think I’d have.

It’s important to note that I haven’t really considered the impacts of these decisions on my kids. I mean, what sort of man would include them in that fiery auto wreck that claimed the life of his dearly beloved?

Leaving Las Vegas – This is basically the ‘blow all that shit up’ scenario.

I take the life insurance, head to Vegas, and proceed to avail myself of various personal growth opportunities, like whiskey, cocaine and hookers. I am not positive if this ends up with my liver quitting like it did for Nicolas Cage, but I am fairly certain at one point I’d end up living with a dancer named Nadia who has two pet turtles named Shelly and Titballs.

The Long Walk – Heartbroken, I grab the dog’s leash (again, not sure why the dog gets to come along on this one but the kids aren’t to be seen), pack a single change of underwear and socks into a knapsack (you have to have a knapsack on the long walk), and head out onto the road, a spiritually broken man. As I travel the country on foot, I come face-to-face with my own demons and find a deep and everlasting peace in the glory and abundance of the world around me. I also come face-to-face with a roadside diner waitress named Nadia who is just looking for a way out of Yuma on her way to Los Angeles. But being as enlightened as I am, I convince her that she is a star right there behind the counter, pouring coffee. We do it in a dirty bathroom stall.

The Lonely Dad – I guess the kids aren’t always excluded. As a suddenly and tragically single father, I throw myself into parenting and absorbing the pain and loneliness my children feel at the loss of their mother. Of course the depth of my soul and my commitment to those kids isn’t lost on my daughter’s third grade teacher, Nadia, who over time becomes a surrogate mother. The kids reject it at first, screaming ‘You’re not my real mom’, which is absolutely true because I have no intentions of getting married to her even after a new half-brother comes along. I’m a single man after all. Gotta play the field.

Caribbean Bartender – Unable to cope with the day-to-day tedium of a regular job following such a life altering event, I decide to hit reset, move to the islands, and open a little suds and sammies joint on the beach. It’s hard work and not lucrative, but at the end of every day, as the sun sets against the crystal blue backdrop of the ocean, I know I’ve found a peace which the rat race could never provide. I know what you’re thinking….where is Nadia in this one? In this one Nadia is a playful porpoise who entertains my guests and eats mackerel I keep in the freezer.

Career Change – Considering how horrible my wife’s death of cancer was, I sometimes think I would go back to school, become a Doctor, and go into cancer research, gladly accepting the Nobel Prize in the name, memory and legacy of my wife. But then that just feels like a TON of work and the UNLV Medical Program, where Nadia is a lab assistant, isn’t quite the world class institution I’d need to go after the Nobel. So forget it.

In any case, I am quite confident that once my name is cleared in the heartbreaking disappearance of my wife from that cruise ship, I will find a path that brings me closer to my ultimate destiny on this planet. Seriously, check the video footage. I left the casino at 11:13 pm….I wasn’t anywhere near the rear deck at the time of the incident.

P.S. – It’s for posts like this that my wife thinks I need to speak with a relationship therapist. She just doesn’t get me. But Nadia does.

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