Holiday Letter 2006 – The one where I call Erin fat…

For those of you who didn’t get the back story, read the origin tale here.

Without wasting more of your precious eyeball energy, here is the 2006 letter. It is unedited, which is to my shame. It is also inclusive of the phrase ‘puppy-mouse’, which is to my pride. You’ll have to do without the visual imagery of the original card, and instead enjoy the mouse. Use your imagination.

Holiday Letter 2006

You’re probably wondering why the picture is just of Calvin.  The main reason is that Erin and I are both fat.  Erin’s excuse is the fact that she’s 7 months pregnant.  Mine is similar to being pregnant, but replace ‘bringing a life into this world’ with ‘failing to exercise and drinking too much’ and you’ll have the drift.  Also add in ‘generally being short and fat to start with.’  There you go.  That’s it.

So where to start on 2006?  Well, if you didn’t pick it up from paragraph one, Erin is pregnant again, and you probably didn’t score too high on reading comprehension in elementary school.  We are blessed to be adding a girl to the brood, even though Calvin repeatedly says ‘baby go bye bye’ when asked about his baby sister.  We think he’ll come around, although after 31 years I’m still not 100% thrilled with Penny’s addition to the family.

On top of contributing to global overcrowding, Erin decided to sell her Stroller Strides fitness franchise this fall.  She ran the business successfully for 15 months before deciding that she could make more money working at Burger King.  The opportunity to meet other mothers in our area was of tremendous social value as we now have a gaggle of close couple friends.  By ‘couple friends’ I mean friends where the wives all go out and the guys stay home with the kids.

After another full year of entrepreneurial adventure, I can say with confidence that my business idea of giving away free purebred Golden Retriever puppies is a blockbuster hit.  The demand is unbelievable.  Unfortunately my puppies aren’t actually purebred Golden Retrievers.  They’re lab mice I’ve spray-painted yellow and trained to fetch sticks….very tiny sticks.  Anyway, I expected people to realize that by ‘free’ I meant $500.  Most didn’t.  Some threw rocks through my windows.  So it’s back to speculation on penny stocks and blood donation for me.  Thank god I’m blood type A+.  That’s the best you can be.

In a random assortment of tidbits from the past year:

• • • • Calvin started pre-school and got his first detention for fighting with another student.  I’m proud to say he was standing up to a big bully and won the fight.  I’m proud to say that, but in reality he fell on the ground crying and it was a girl.
      • I spent one week a month in London to really get a feel for the declining buying power of the dollar.  This experience manifested itself in the following series of hotels.  The Hilton.  The Citadines.  The Waverly House.  The nameless place behind the Chicken Cottage restaurant where the ‘working girls’ hang out.  An alley off of Southhampton Row.  Pool of own urine.
      • Erin received A grades in both her geology and computer classes.  She is still deciding on a major, but front runners are sociology, family development and child psychology.  The problem is it turns out she generally doesn’t like short people, including children.

That’s all from Phoenix.  Last year in this letter we invited people to come help us baby-sit and clean the house.  Nobody took us up on that offer.  So this year we’re offering days by the pool, umbrella-laden pineapple drinks, and your very own free Golden Retriever puppy-mouse.

– Andrew, Erin, Calvin and Player To Be Named Later Brooks