I don’t understand how every stay-at-home parent isn’t a raging drunk

This morning, I woke up at 6AM. I emptied the dishwasher and made coffee for my wife. We sat together, talked, read from some daily inspiration books and wrote in our journals. God damn Deepak Chopra over here.

At about 7AM we let out a large collective sigh and woke the kids. I am sure this isn’t atypical, but our lot weren’t the most eager to rush back to middle school after a long weekend. From there:

  • I made breakfasts and lunches for both kids
  • I cleaned my son’s bike seat off with my tee-shirt so he didn’t have to get his wee ass wet riding to school
  • I helped get my daughter’s cello into the car, making sure not to damage the strings because – heavens to betsy – it might get out of tune (is it ever in tune? are we sure?)
  • I fed the dog and cat
  • I cleaned up the kitchen
  • I made beds
  • I folded and put away a load of laundry
  • I started another load of laundry
  • I meditated
  • I did some stretching and yoga
  • I ran 7 miles
  • I showered
  • I ate some leftovers while mentally masturbating to Facebook
  • I wrote this blog post

And now it’s 11:15AM (as in before noon) and, frankly, I don’t know what to do with myself. I already know what I’m making for dinner tonight. I’m basically caught up on laundry. I went grocery shopping yesterday. My options:

  • I could start drinking and stare out a window.
  • I could start drinking and stare at a wall.
  • I suppose I could enjoy some ‘me time’, but that’s about 4 minutes.
  • I could watch some TV. But you know what goes well with TV? Booze.
  • I could play some online poker. But you know what goes well with online poker? Booze.
  • I could read a novel. But you know what’s REALLY pleasant to sip on while you’re reading a good book? Actually tea is. But you know what goes well with tea? Whiskey.
  • I could write a novel. But the coaster on my desk looks lonely.
  • I could go spend money on other shit. I need a bike. I think I want to get the iPhone X. And while I’m wandering around downtown spending money, you know what they have downtown? Restaurants and bars. You know what restaurants and bars have at mid-day don’t you? Stay-at-home moms drinking white wine.

Mom Drinking.jpg

Or….I guess shots. With a kind of gross tongue.

And now I fully understand why those stay-at-home moms are in those restaurants and bars. There’s not much else to do. And it’s socially better to claim you’re spending quality time with friends while sucking down $15 glasses of Sauv Blanc than it is to do any of the sad, drink-at-home-alone activities I listed above.

Further, I can’t understand how EVERY stay-at-home parent isn’t a raging drunk. By the time noon rolls around today I could easily be into my second bottle/6-pack/pint and as far as a smooth-running household is concerned, it’s all good. I can fold laundry hammered. And so my hat is off to those who are:

  1. Somehow keeping themselves sober and busy volunteering at the school bake sale while at the same time avoiding taking a long swallow of the business end of a shotgun.
  2. Finding that special set of friends who agrees that any drink before noon is a warm-up drink and doesn’t count.
  3. Drinking hard but concealing it from their family and children. I hear vodka is the key there. And hiding the bottles in the back of the toilet.

Cheers. I’m going to go play some online poker.

Side note….. my card-of-the-day from Rated Cards


2 thoughts on “I don’t understand how every stay-at-home parent isn’t a raging drunk

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