The Local: February 27, 2018

Best Source Typewriter
Your Government:
At the city council meeting tonight, Janet Franklin spent 20 minutes arguing for new paint on the crosswalks near Emerson and Smith streets while Councilman Tom Reynolds, whose wife of 17 years left him last week, sobbed noticeably. The measure passed 3-1 with Councilman Reynolds’ vote cast as abstain after Chairwoman Barns asked him to ‘either get his shit together or leave’.


  • The First Baptist Church is collecting gently used clothing this weekend. Please remember single socks, especially those weird toe socks, are of no use to anyone.
  • Residents must register their drones at the courthouse. Also, drones are not to be used to spy on Seth Jackson’s 18 year old twins when they are back from college this weekend.
  • Quit speeding down Channing street Tom. It’s pissing everyone off.

Kartoon Korner: This week’s drawing comes from Kaylee, a 6 year old 1st grader at Penderson Elementary.

Soccer Field
“Me playing goalie at soccer! My mom says daddy has to stand behind the fence now.”

Ask a Married Couple: Today our married couple is Bob (44) and Judy (39) Lynch. They’ve been married 14 years and have 3 children, one of whom will spend time in federal prison for assaulting an Arby’s drive-thru cashier.

Dear Married Couple,

My wife and I aren’t finding the spark in bed any more. What can we do to spice it up?

Joseph, 31

Dear Joseph,

Judy and I had a similar dry spell when our kids were younger. We focused on date nights, I made sure I was bringing flowers, and I feigned a back injury to get some oxy we could grind up in our wine.

– Bob

Dear Joseph,

Sometimes husbands let themselves go. Any chance you’re just a little fatty f*ckface now Joe?

Best, Judy



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