The Local: March 1, 2018

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Community Reminders:

  • The Founders parade is this Sunday. After last year’s unfortunate event, throwing candy from the floats is now prohibited. Donations are still being accepted at Eric’s Gofundme page.
  • Community clean-up day is scheduled for underneath the school bleachers this Saturday. Please remember volunteers need to be at least 18, bring their own latex gloves, and not have any auto-immune disorders.
  • If you find a wallet lying outside 39 Pearl Street just leave it. Mr. Alders keeps doing it on purpose because he’s lonely.

Your Government:  Councilman Reynolds has resigned, stating that he can ‘affect no real change from such a position of limited power’ and that ‘this has nothing to do with what that ***** Linda said in front of everyone after I left the last meeting.’


Kartoon Korner: Given pending court proceedings, today’s picture is by anonymous.

Kartoon Closet
My Spooky Bedroom

Ask A Married Couple: Today our married couple is Felicity (52) and Shane (51) Ryan, both of whom have teenage children from previous marriages who hooked up at a Phish concert in 10th grade.

Dear Married Couple,

My soon to be husband and I are debating if we should go on a honeymoon or save the money for the down payment on a house? What do you think?

Abby, 27

Dear Abby,

Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and a house is one of the most contentious and difficult assets to dispose of. Do yourself a favor and rent.

– Shane

Abs,

The other nightmare is kids. While you’re not buying a house, don’t get pregnant. Ever.

– Felicity


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